showmethecakes Mon May 29, 2017 10:15 am
This one is going to appear in stages like a grand tour just in case my iPad deletes it all before it's uploaded!
Prologue - The Decision
It's going to rain at some point. Winter bike. 7:30 a.m. Looks bright. Best bike coming out. 8:00, forecast is for rain before 9. Winter bike it is. 8:30, hasn't rained and most likely to stay cloudy. Best bike prepared and ready to go. 8:50. Sky looks heavy to the south. Tom, you go on ahead while I prepare the winter bike. Quick wheel change and 10 minutes later I'm out on the old bike. It had better rain!
Stage 2 Outward Leg
Feeling a bit of a plonker as everyone else is out on best bikes. Nice steady ride south with a brief stop in Apex. Chap in a wheelchair started speaking to Carl and judging by his opening line I thought he was going to have a moan. As it turns out he seemed to be more interested in how tall some of the riders were. Thought Carl was taking a huge risk when he jokingly said about attaching his legs in the morning before getting on his bike.
Stage 3 Bridger to Four Forks
The team cars were stacked up in Bridger as Ivan tried to rejoin the peloton. At least that's what was going on inside Ivan's head as he rode down the A38. Problem was they weren't team cars and surprisingly at this point in the ride the peloton was actually behind him. Carl once again engaged in conversation with the locals at a roundabout. A dictionary was needed to translate from Bridger to English. "Honk": pron. [#uKK] verb. to procreate, "Honnnnkkkk": pron. [KoFF] prep. so as not to be in contact with any longer. Obviously Carl didn't have a dictionary so in true tourist fashion he just smiled and waved back before continuing with his ride.
Out of Bridger Lofty ripped my legs off on the road to Four Forks where the group reassembled. We agreed to split up at the base of Dead Woman's Ditch. Those fancying a bit of necrophilia were going to ride the Dead Woman while the rest turned North for Nether Stowey. Unfortunately the lead group got a bit lost and ended up in Nether Stowey having not found the bottom of Dead Woman's Ditch. It didn't really matter to those staying in Nether Stowey but the 1.5 miles uphill to get back on piste was not welcome by those planning on going to Donniford.
Stage 4 Chute! fr. pron. [sh-oo-t] transl. "Crash". English equivalent:"Shite".
This is the moment when Adrian, Lofty and myself rolled to the Cricketers for breakfast expecting the others to show up in due course. How we laughed when we read the sign saying that they stopped serving breakfast at 11:30 and we were the only three to get there before 11:30!
Eventually the grupetto arrived to describe Ivan's front tyre blow out on a downhill section causing him to rim ride for a while. You never know quite how these things are going to work out. It's either going to be a disappointing sticky end or you remain erect throughout and smile with satisfaction when it's all over. Despite the obvious hole in his rubber it was the latter for Ivan and he quickly phoned Mrs Ive to give her the good news.
Stage 5 Post Coital
After all the excitement we left the cafe only to discover Andy had more than one hole in his rear end. He seemed okay with it so we pushed off hoping he wouldn't suffer the same fate as Ivan. The pace was kept reasonable all the way back but there were still splits in the bunch. Martin had kept his matches dry ready to light his pants on the dual carriageway. He may well have ignited the burners but by then Lofty, Adrian and myself were already up the road and returned to Brent Knoll 5 minutes ahead.
Stage 6 The Return Leg
Despite feeling a little weary Lofty dragged me to Lympsham and on to one Mile Flat. At the Anchor Martin took the helm and pulled us all up the A370. Despite pushing about 21 mph over the bridge there was a significant sigh of depression as I cruised past at about 23's. I smiled at Martin and then continued up the road thinking how knackered I was.
Stage 7 Grand Finale
Lofty wanted extra miles so continued along the sea front past the Grand Pier and through Milton etc. I went straight home and enjoyed getting in the shower first for once.
TTCR: 8/10, OJC: 4, KFC: 7/10.
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