Saturday 29th October - Barton Camp

This week we take in the delights of athletic hospitality with a trip to Barton Camp.

Fivers at the ready please, as we don't want those hearty breakfasts to go unrewarded.

Barton Camp provides holidays for underprivileged families and is dependent upon charity donations. So, it's really good that we can make a contribution.

We often ride over the Mendips for this one; will we, won't we???..... just don't go on ahead, you'll get lost.

Initial route will be Sea Front, Anchor should you want to latch on.

Do you think it would be ok if I brought a flask and a packed breakfast so I don't have to donate £5 to the cause?

No problem if you bring it to Glasgow

Roll up roll up, bets please for the distance to Barton Camp this year.
Shortest was 33 miles and longest 39 miles.

I'm going for 34.82 (am I allowed to participate?)

You forgot average speed, I managed 14.2 today, so there's a clue!

Yes, as long as you remove your Garmin.
It would be impressive if you got within 1 mile even if you know the route.

I think you're confusing me with somebody who knows where he's going each week.

Why would you need to ignore your Garmin? They're normally out by a good few miles. Why not play the game of "How much difference will there be between what your Garmin says and what Strava says"?

I say 'ride report' but I wouldn't want anyone to think that we actually rode anywhere.

It was typical Barton Camp weather. No sun, dull, cloudy and damp. Andy had already suffered a puncture on the way to Priory so had detoured directly to the sea front to latch on. Bad omens were still present when a car unexpectantly ploughed into the back of another for no apparent reason. Several cyclists were rapidly checking their hair for visible signs of the devils number.

At Knoll bogs Ivan decided a bit of softness was contributing to his lack of potency and that rapid pumping alone was not going to make it better. After a 20 minute masterclass in how to spend 20 minutes repairing a puncture the group set off again minus Adrian, Neil and Bernie who were going to amble on directly to Barton.

At Woolley hill Burns the Bread decided to stir things up. Inevitably three riders chased him down and continued up the hill just past the point where the shout went up for a left turn. Only Nick heard the call as Andy and Chris continued slogging it out to the top. A small group continued to the next junction to await further instructions while Ivan waited for the lonesome twosome to return. After about 10 minutes Ivan continued with what remained of the group while the breakaway deliberated as to which way to go. The choice was a difficult one. Should we go up the shitty lane, down the shitty lane or straight across into the - yes you've guessed it - road covered in crap. Down looked the best option not only in terms of it being roughly in the right direction but it also offered at least 6 inches of road that only had a moderate thickness of slime on it.

Towards the bottom of the dip it was getting difficult to keep a bike upright. Eventually Lofty succumbed to the mud and as his back wheel slipped off the edge of the road the front went too leaving Lofty in a heap. RSP was riding on the opposite side of the road to Lofty which was clearly the better option because as soon as he touched his breaks his bike went from under him and he collided with Lofty.

After some hobbling about and de-caking of bikes the group set off again at walking pace often with feet unclipped just in case. There were several other dodgy moments but we all arrived safely on proper tarmac after a couple of miles.

Noting that we only had 20 minutes to get to Barton we set off at greater speed only for Ivan to say that this was the road where Pale Pete broke his hip. Instantly the speed dropped a little. After a bit of effort across the levels to limit the time losses we were once again thwarted by a flat. This time it was Ivan's rear and we all looked forward the next masterclass on how to fix a puncture without a spare tube. It was like waiting for glue to dry, because we were waiting for glue to dry. During this time Steve, Martin and RSP had gone on, not wanting to miss out on the cholesterol feast that awaited them at the camp. Lofty then pointed out that Burns the Bread also had a flat rear. The race was now on to see who could fix their puncture quickest - Burns with a spare tube from Lofty or Ivan with his patch and glue.

Not wanting to miss out on the puncture fest I then noticed my rear end was a little soft. Closer inspection revealed a small flint had gone through and caused a slow puncture. It was now a three horse race with me coming last (Mrs W would be proud of that one) after I successfully removed the valve when unattaching my pump! Finally the decision was made that breakfast was no longer an option. Ivan, Nick and Burns continued to Barton Camp while Lofty and I headed for Tescos for sausages and bacon and a massive fry up when we got home. I have to say riding with 8 prime pork sausages in your jersey pocket is a new experience for me.

Can't say what happened to anyone else. Does anybody have a report for either the B, C, D...... teams?

Team Y rode to Barton Camp, but decided that the level of ridicule a 12:20 arrival would invoke made a heads down ride past a better option.

Got home thoroughly p*ssed off following a ride that had everything going (wrong) for it in the last 15 miles. anyway, you know what they (who) say, 'hard work pays off', and it must be true. In the last few years I've woken up feeling like I could do with another hour in bed, this morning I woke up at 8am and it felt like 9am, so I'm already feeling the benefit.

How about a 'normal' ride next week? (whatever normal now means.)

At the risk of missing out on valuable tips Phil, Steve and myself left Ivan's second master class in puncture repair.
Once we had crossed the A38 Phil got a puncture and we set about changing it while checking to see if Ivan et al would appear.
We reached Barton Camp to find only Andy and Chris left. All the other runners and riders had already gone.
Hats off to the volunteers who were still happy to provide a cracking breakfast.