Saturday 15th July - Somerton

Average.......

Average temperatures, average conditions, average ride.

Route to Somerton will be via Puxton, Sandford, Winscombe, Cheddar should you wish to latch on.

No tri-option, if I can do it, you can.

The English fleet together with one Polish vessel and two Welsh boats set sail on their latest voyage of discovery. In charge of the battle group was Commodore Clapson who led the group out of port. Commanding HMS Canyon was Admiral Nelson with one arm tucked inside his tunic having lost use of his right hand during the now famous battle of Poochgate. Having one arm locked into a useless position but still fighting on led to the well known wrestling term a 'half-nelson'. Having both arms blown off is known as a full-nelson and having all four limbs blown off and still surviving is called f@@@ing unbelievable.

As soon as the fleet left sheltered waters HMS Burstow damaged its rudder and had to limp off to find a safe haven for repairs. Captain Cook and Sea Dog Salter escorted him to Sweets where they no doubt dreamed of being devoured by the natives.

Meanwhile the battle group had sent the frigate HMS Burns ahead to scout for enemy ships. Not finding any he sailed into Somerton some 20 minutes ahead of the main fleet who continued to bob around at sea, finding any excuse they could to drop sail and rest up a while. However, fearing a shortage of ships biscuits and water they reluctantly followed HMS Burns to Somerton for fresh provisions.

The natives of Somerton were keen to trade food and drink for English pounds. Captain Fitton tried to educate the natives but their primitive ways hindered any attempt to produce anything brown and toasted. The best they could muster was pale and soft which they referred to as bread.

It was on this voyage that Commodore Clapson discovered the three penis'd man, an idea later developed into a childrens toy. Although the action figure proved very popular the three penis' did not and were removed shortly after production started. Lucky collectors may still find the three penis attachment for sale on various auction sites as these were later sold as an optional extra. Beware of poor condition though as many have suffered from erectile dis-function and it is likely that one of the knobs would have been broken and repaired.

Not wishing to seem ungrateful Captain Jeannie left a present for the natives of Somerton in one of the outbuildings before the fleet set sail for home. The beans on toast had done the trick as the wind was up on the return journey. As the ships neared home they were ambushed and two ships were damaged. HMS Fry had a couple of holes down below. There was also signs of damage to the hull of the boat causing a temporary halt while repairs were affected. Unaware of the plight of HMS Fry the fleet continued to sail for home but it became clear that the battle cruiser Nine Pints had also been hit. Despite losing a couple of pints the vessel was saved and managed to limp home. Meanwhile the Fry was being attended to by Nelson and Captain Somers. After an extra length of rubber and copious amounts of pumping the Fry once more set sail and duly arrived home with a full complement of seamen.

OJC: 4, KFC: 7/10, TTCR: 7/10, Nautical Miles: 70

Fantasy report 10/10 very funny. Although I thought the name of the man missing all limbs and still fighting was the Black Knight, not the Knight that's says neee.
Superb, wonderful report

Summer holidays next week so we can expect unabridged reports for the next six weeks (except when he's in les merde)

That jolly tale of maritime mayhem got the seafaring juices flowing. Although, I just hope we don’t rename our group ‘Weston Press Gang’

One thing that you neglected to mention was in relation to the battlecruiser Nine Pints:

Unknown to some, the vessel was damaged below the waterline and armoured belt, either from plunging fire or from one of SS Weston Wheelers waterborne explosive devices (is thata your torpedo, no, it’sa mine).

Vice Admiral Read (commanding 2nd Battle Cycle Flotilla) sailing in the Nine Pints managed to put in at the Barbarossa Dry Dock, Port Churchill. The obvious warning being a jolly roger flying in full view may have suggested that the port was indeed in hostile waters, but this was unobserved. In normal Pirate fashion the aforementioned vessel would have been quickly plundered and the crew raped (yes, you heard right), but on this occasion Captain Peter Blackbeard was on hand to lend a helping cutlass, so a refit of HMS Nine Pints was carried out unhindered. The vessel was found to have badly worn rubber bands, so these were replaced with blue refurbished ones taken from the French vessel Michelin during a minor skirmish. The Nine Pints was seaworthy once again, so together with HMS Trekless she quickly set sail for her home port, although not before both crews had taken on rum at the Cross Bones Inn.

Shortly after the event had passed the port quickly changed hands – now run by Long ‘Jo’ Silver, making her predecessor walk the plank after accusing him of being a soft arse and “just too nice to be a notorious pirate.” To me that just sounds like really bad eggs!